I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
