Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
