I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
