we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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