she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
