she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
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He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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