party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
