My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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