my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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