i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
