I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
