dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
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