You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
