They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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