Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
