Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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