I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
