so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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