Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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