oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
