My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just want to make out with him forever
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
