i just made my gag reflex go away.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
In other news, I just burned my penis
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
