Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
