just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
