Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
