hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize