my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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