Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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