I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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