Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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