Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
