I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
