since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
