He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
