3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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