I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I smell stomach acid.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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