i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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