Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
