How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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