I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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