life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Everything about him screamed your future.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
