My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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