apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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