Tell her she can't have a vagina
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize