why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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