I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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