so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
