her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
