Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
