I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
