It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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