So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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