the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
