I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
