I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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