it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
