he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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