im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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