how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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