Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
