put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
