can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
