Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
